We all know that I speak openly about my mental health and I believe it is very important to get the necessary help to manage everyday life. I focus so much on that aspect in my life that I tend to push my physical health to the side or I get extremely paranoid and google my symptoms which then leads to anxiety times ten. After losing my grandmother to cancer I became more scared when it comes to my health and the health of my family and friends. If I feel sick or any pain, I usually try to thug it out and hope that it doesn’t last long but once some days go by, I go into panic mode, assume the worst and call whatever doctor that will see me asap. I have recently learned that trying to push through when I know something is wrong is not the best idea. My advice to everyone is to listen to their bodies, I always say it's better to go get checked out and there is nothing wrong than to wait and find out it’s something that could have possibly been prevented or dealt with to stop it from becoming so bad. But, do I listen to my own advice? As I type this with one hand, I shamefully answer NO to that question.  

Don’t beat me up y'all!  I know it has been wayyyy to long. Let me start off by saying that I’m extremely sad that I allowed so much time to go by because truthfully this blog is literally my escape. When I started it, I was so happy and hopeful that it would help to keep me from going into that dark place during difficult times, but I named it Life is life-ing for a reason and let's be real, we cannot avoid the emotions, stress and anxiety that comes with being in this world. All that being said, I want to leave these last several months in the past and start fresh. My goal is to be more consistent with this blog and the tik tok that is connected to it for the video portion. I hope you guys are still willing to be part of this journey with me. 

I know, it’s been way too long! Between my mental health, planning my daughter's birthday party just to have it completely ruined because of the rain that morning but having the best hubby in the world who had a plan b and made the party turn out better than I even imagined, and deciding to start a DIY home improvement project, it has been a lot! Now that the party and our project is behind us, I find myself in this weird “what’s next” phase. All of that work and now that it’s over I’m kind of starting to FEEL things and I don’t think I like it. I had a therapy session a couple of days ago and she asked me how I was doing and I literally just started crying because I honestly didn’t know how I was doing. I was physically exhausted, my body was sore and that’s all I had to say. Deep down I know that if I had a moment to sit down then some things would come up that I try my best to just ignore, so having therapy that day was not exactly something I was looking forward to. We talked about what I have been trying to avoid, and that’s how painful April is to me and this year in particular. April brings back those heavy grief feelings, it makes me question things that I don’t normally question, like my faith and why bad things happen to good people, it makes me want to close off and stay to myself and at the same time fill my days with so much that my mind doesn’t have a chance to think about anything under the surface. The truth is, there is no ignoring this because April is here and there will never be a year that I forget my baby cousin and my favorite lady’s birthday, there will never be a day that I don’t remember that they are not physically here, or a moment that I don’t think of them. This year was talked about before they died because it’s the big 30 for Vonte and my beautiful grandma’s 70th. This was supposed to be the big party full of lemon cake because that was both of their favorite, music, good food and the one time the entire family made sure to get together to celebrate the two people who I know were the glue to our family staying close. I planned my grandma’s 70th birthday years ago with her being there in her best polka dot outfit, dancing and smiling so big because she would see all her grandkids and great grands all together in one place. And my cousin was simple and all he asked was that we have cake and good food for him and to come with good energy. The two people who deserved so badly to be celebrated and to not be stressing over the last-minute details of their party right now is actually hurting me to my core. I know that I should be thinking of the good times and beautiful memories but this shit hurts and I can’t hide that. There will be lots of tears this month and I have to just accept that. My heart is aching and my mental is a little on the dark, cloudy side so I think that I owe it to myself to respect my feelings, do what I think is necessary and take some time to sit with my emotions. I always hear people say that there is no time frame on grief, and I promise I haven’t heard anything truer. I put a lot of pressure on myself to “move on” but I am learning that there is no moving on, just moving forward with a part of you that is missing and adjusting to a new normal. I’m constantly telling people to be kind and give grace to themselves, I think it’s time to practice what I preach. So, I’ll be allowing the sadness that comes with April, the irritability, the ups and downs and whatever else decides to pop up this month, all while welcoming any positivity, happy moments and any little signs from my cousin and grandma. I hope to be making them both proud and I pray that the see my heart in everything that I do, I know I think of them in every decision that I make and try my best to live life as close to the way they would. I ask for strength through this month, for myself and for my family.  

Every once in a while, I notice that I’ve been operating in auto pilot and haven’t really been present. Today is one of those days that I sit back and realize that I’ve pretty much been a robot the last few days. Things have been going smoothly for the most part this week but, once I snap out of whatever “fog” that I’ve been in, I am able to notice what is truly happening. I don’t understand how it happens or what it is called but I’m going to try my best to put this into words. I’ll use this week as an example, things seemed fine, and I felt okay for the most part, pretty much floated through the week. Last night, I showered and went to do my hair and that’s when it hit me that I haven’t combed it out in days. So, when my mental state is bad, I tend to neglect my hair care first and as a girlie with curly hair, going even just a day without combing it is a no no. I usually hide it by keeping it in a “messy bun” which is literally all that I can do to it when it’s that bad. This is something that started when my cousin died, I went 2 months without touching my hair and figured it was part of my grieving, thank God for one of my best friends because she sat for an hour detangling my hair for me with no complaints and no judgement. I thought that would be the only time I let my hair get to such a terrible state, but it's been something that happens more often than I would like. I tend to deny that this is a thing or even make excuses like this week, I’ve been sick so that’s why I haven’t taken the time to comb out my hair but truly it’s more of something that goes hand in hand with my depression/ anxiety. My mind and body do a lot of work to keep me safe from whatever it feels is dangerous, so I guess zoning out and going through the motions of each day is a defense mechanism. I didn’t have any major anxiety this week, but I did do some things that would usually cause severe anxiety, like volunteering at my kids' school and being social with other parents. Now that I think about it, that is probably where this all started. Having to push myself so hard to be “okay” sent me into this auto pilot situation and I’m finally coming back down from that. It’s a scary thing but now that I know it’s something that happens, I will be working on it and going to bring it up in therapy asap! But for now, I’ll be tackling this hair so pray for me ya’ll. 

With Valentine’s Day being tomorrow, I thought I would talk a little about love and what I think of it. First off, I am a sucker for love like I cry full on tears during weddings, movies or shows that have any ounce of lovey dovey moments. My heart is so happy when I see couples holding hands or showing affection, it’s just so beautiful to me. There's just something about a real connection and the way two (or more, I don’t judge) people who are in love look at each other that gives me all the feels. On top of being obsessed with love, I am also obsessed with holidays so of course Valentine’s Day is such a cute little corny celebration that I fully take part in. This year my husband decided he wanted to ask our daughter to be his valentine and take her on a daddy daughter date which is the absolute cutest thing ever, she is so excited and has her little outfit ready to go. I am truly grateful and blessed that my baby will always have her daddy to show her exactly how she should be treated, and she shouldn’t take anything less. That man loves his little princess and I love sitting back to watch their relationship and how much she looks up to him, he’s her superhero and she knows she can always rely on her dad. So, while they’re on their little V-Day outing, I will be surprising the boys with a small gift and some mommy-son time. My boys are the sweetest, most caring and respectful young men and I always have the best time with them, so I am looking forward to our alone time. I always love catching up on what they have going on at school, with friends, crushes, and with my middle son whatever cool facts or brain teaser he is into at the moment. My oldest has a basketball game tomorrow night so we’ll end the day together as a family cheering him on, and depending on how exhausted we are, me and hubby will most likely grab some wine and attempt to watch a movie. This year is a little different because lately surprises are more triggering than exciting for me, so I love that my husband isn’t forcing anything. We're both very romantic people and we love doing cute things for each other, but we also understand that there are days where I just can’t push through and jump out of my comfort zone so dinner and a movie in the house will do just fine. One thing about us, we genuinely love being around each other so it honestly doesn’t matter where we are or what we do, it will always be so special. With that said I know our day will be perfect, I can’t wait to hear how the daddy daughter date goes and I am so excited to have some fun with my boys. I hope you love birds out there have a beautiful Valentine’s Day, love your person, your kids, your friends and most importantly love on yourself a little extra! You can take that last part however you feel necessary (wink wink). 

So, this is going to be quick and to the point. Since I reached my goal that I set for myself with this blog, I decided that I want to add a vlog to the mix. Now of course I am terrified because that is another layer of putting myself out there and the videos I have recorded feels so awkward to watch back. I’m definitely second guessing it all, but I know not everyone wants to read and might actually like to see a face and hear a voice, so I’m stepping out of my comfort zone to reach more people and hopefully build a beautifully little community. But before I commit to adding the vlog here on the site I will be adding it on TikTok for a while to see how it goes and from there, I will decide whether I feel confident enough to add it here and pay to have it added here because aint none of this free. But with all of that being said, please, please, please go to the contact tab and click on the TikTok icon to view the videos that I will be posting. I love you all for the support, thank you for helping me reach my goals and I really hope you enjoy the vlogs! 

 Today is an interesting day because I am currently at home eating jello and drinking chicken broth. I also have a gallon of a prescribed laxative that I have to finish by 8pm tonight, can’t have any solid food at all, only clear liquids so I am just over here full of happiness. I wanted really badly to have a double double animal style from in-n-out yesterday but my anxiety around all of this caused my appetite to disappear. So now, of course I am sitting here starving at 10 am, and I have over 24 hours left before I can eat again.  

This one might be all over the place, but that's what anxiety does...

I am a huge supporter of therapy, mental health is so important to me. I truly believe that you do not have to be depressed or anxious, traumatized or going through terrible things to take part in therapy, I love a good positive session. Obviously, I started my therapy journey because of postpartum depression that kind of lingered for way too long and I knew that I couldn’t get through it on my own. My process was not exactly perfect, I had a few therapists before I found the one that I truly clicked with. I started off with someone that I could not relate to whatsoever, she heard me mention a pet that I had once in our session and literally talked more about my damn turtle than my problems. At the time I was dealing with severe anxiety and barely left the house and she would say things like “maybe you should take your turtle outside”, “maybe cuddling with your turtle will make you feel better” like miss ma’am this turtle is my kid’s pet and I love him but he is not the answer to all of my problems. I would be so annoyed when that appointment day would hit because I didn’t want to sit through another hour session about using my turtle to cope. I stuck it out for a few months, then something came up with her and she had to pass her clients along to someone else until she came back from her leave and that’s how I found my girl. We immediately vibed, I didn’t feel uncomfortable about discussing any topic and most importantly I looked forward to my sessions. The day did come when my first therapist came back and she called multiple times to schedule appointments and I was dreading the transition back, but I talked to my new therapist bestie and she told me that I have the right to change therapist at any time, this process is mine and I have to do what's best for me so I dropped turtle lady and made the switch to work permanently with her. We had over a year with each other, she literally got me through the pandemic and created such a safe space that all my faith in therapy was restored. If we had met in different circumstances, I believe we would have been friends, that’s how great our connection was. I cried real tears when she told me that she was moving on to a better opportunity, I was so happy for her but selfishly I was pissed because how are you just going to leave me? I learned so much about myself, I learned what some of my triggers are and why, I learned to be gentle and kind to myself and my absolute favorite is that I learned to set boundaries. Our last session was extremely emotional, I think about her here and there because none of these others have measured up. I am currently on therapist number 2 since she left and I haven’t had that same comfort yet. I am trying my best to be open to the process again and I don’t want to stop the work I've been doing but the therapist client chemistry is not giving what it's supposed to give right now. I do like that this one challenges me a little but on the days that I need more from her and less from me I don’t get that. I feel more pressure to present myself a certain way in our sessions and I don’t really like that either. This time around there are pros and cons and I really just never know if I will be coming out of the session feeling better, the same or nothing at all. I told myself that I want to give it until the new year and decide on whether I want to change things up or not. I know how great therapy can be when it's with the right person, so I won’t be giving up, just have some thinking to do. Wish me and my mental some luck! 

Next month my hubby and I will be celebrating 15 years together! That’s basically half of my life, like sir you took my good years. No but seriously, it doesn’t even seem like it's been that long. I feel like I can’t remember life before him but it’s also crazy to think that we’ve been together for so long. He is truly my best friend, I could never ever even begin to think about life with anyone else. I still look at him and get butterflies, every once in a while, I see him from a distance and have to double take because damn my man is so fine. I’m not even one of those girls who stare men down, it's just not me at all but I appreciate a good-looking person and I swear when I see him coming to the car or walking passed a window to the restaurant, I pretty much have to pick my mouth up off the floor because he really is that sexy. I did good and he just gets better looking as the years go by.  

Have you guys been seeing those cute best friend 90’s photo shoot ideas all over social media? I am obsessed! I love everything about how corny it is and I want to do it so bad. My bestie sent me some that she has come across and I think it’s a sign because we didn’t even talk about it and we were both like “let’s do it”. I absolutely love making memories with my friends, but it hasn’t been so easy lately because of how crazy my schedule with the kids can be and obviously we all have our own lives and things going on, so we have to get in where we fit in. I am very blessed to have friends that understand everything that comes with being me, my moods, my anxiety, my emotions and my constant cancellations and rescheduling. They know that I hate to let people down, and that saying no to something is extremely hard for me so when I do it's for a legit reason. They also know that when they need me, no matter what I’m going through, I will show the fuck up and I know that about them. I have a real solid group of friends that all came into my life at different times and I truly know that they are in my life now for a reason, they are my family and my support. I’m such a girls girl so having strong beautiful women in my life, with no drama and no jealously is so important to me, it makes my heart happy. I honestly feel for people who don’t get to experience true friendship, we hold each other accountable, hype each other up, pray for each other, support everything we each got going, show up, keep it super real and just love each other. I don’t feel forced to be anything other than myself which is a relief because pretending is tiring. I never had the chance to be close to my actual sisters, we have different moms so growing up together wasn’t really a thing, I love my baby sisters and I would do anything for them, but I think not having them around is what made me look for sisterhood in my girlfriends. My bestie has been my friend since 2nd grade, we been through it all together, had our ups and downs, arguments, lived together, took our first road trip together, had our kids around the same time and now our daughters are best friends, we literally have grown up together and have so many memories that we sometimes sit back and laugh about, we’re the God mom to each other's kids and making sure we are creating fun memories for our babies to share together. We're both emotional ass Geminis who love helping others and would give our last to someone in need with no questions asked, my strengths are her weaknesses and vice versa, I honestly don’t think anyone gets us like we get each other, and even though she gets on my nerves I know that’s one sister I will never ever lose. Now my Fave, who is another best friend of mine came along later in life during college days, we both followed our men to Utah where they played football and we clicked right away. That girl will ride for her friends, she’s one of the most selfless people, always down to do whatever, shows up in every way, super independent and just one of those boss women who you look at in awe because she is so damn beautiful on the outside and her inside matches. I’m very protective of them both and I always feel bad for whoever comes into their lives because I’m asking all the questions, I’m putting you to the test, I’m trying to find out if your intentions are genuine with my friends, I don’t care if it’s a friendship or a dating situation, I will always be that way when it comes to them. For the longest I had my 2 besties, and I was perfectly fine, God definitely had another plan because I have a couple more friends that I bonded with because of the type of moms that we are. It's funny because we knew of each other prior to having kids and honestly one of them I didn’t really like too much because I was petty and insecure, and my man was always liking her pics on socials so I felt some type of way but once I matured a little and we got to talking I really vibed with her. It was one of those random friendships that started because our son’s played on the same sports teams and we got super close super fast and now even though she moved kind of far, I know we both are just a call away. Plus we relate on being bomb ass moms, wives and now unfortunately we have grieving over a loved one in common and her strength has been an inspiration. Lastly, my girl who I knew because we were from the same city, never really talked like that but followed each other on Instagram and pretty much just liked pictures, watched our kids grow from afar and just randomly became obsessed with each other. She’s another strong ass woman who is raising her kids on her own, they don’t want or need for anything because super mom is going to make it happen. We are so much alike, we are those shit talking mamas, who don’t play about our babies, we aren't afraid to say what's on our mind but deep down we are big softies who cry for literally everything. I love how much she loves her kids, I love that her heart is just so big and she is probably one of the realest people I've come across. I respect the hell out of her! There's no replacing my friends. You don’t come across many like them so I will forever hold them close. No matter where our life journey takes us all, I know that I have a core group of girls who I can always count on and I truly hope they feel the same about me. Y’all know who you are and I love you beautiful ladies so so much!  

I don’t know about you guys, but December is one of the busiest months for my family. We start off on the 2nd with my middle baby’s birthday, he turned 10 this past weekend and we had the best time! There are also 6 other birthdays this month on my side alone, even one on Christmas eve so yeah, we stay pretty booked. My baby girl also started playing basketball and my oldest didn’t get the memo that we wanted to let little sis have her moment and he tried out for his school's basketball team and of course he made it. So, just when I thought I was going to have some kind of break from the hectic sports mom life, my kids said “nope, fill that schedule up girl”. I'm at practice 4 days a week, and that’s with no games on the schedule yet, and I am not that mom that drops the kids off and comes back when practice is over because that would just make my life way too easy. But seriously, I've always been a super involved mom, I hate missing anything and I love being able to record the kids so they can watch themselves back to get better. I have asked my oldest if he wanted me to stop coming to his practices but he let me know that he likes me there so I can tell him what he needs to work on. There's absolutely nothing wrong with parents not staying, I just know that for my own peace of mind I have to be close by, which probably has a lot to do with my anxiety, and I never want my kids to feel unsupported because mom guilt is not fun. Plus, my boys are not too far from high school and I know I can't be all up in the practice then so I'm getting my time in now. I literally just went on a little rant but anyways, I am looking forward to this holiday break because this mama needs some time to sit back and not have to worry about getting anyone to school or practice on time. I can’t wait to actually have a full cup of coffee in the mornings without it getting cold, that’s literally what I’m most excited for and I know that’s sad, but I know I am not alone, and it really is the little things that make me happy. Also, my little brother who is in the Navy and has been living in Virginia with his wife, kids and our mom for way too long now is actually moving back to Cali this month and I cannot explain how freaking excited I am. I literally have not been able to physically hug my mom or my brother and his family for over a year so them moving closer is that extra bit of joy that pushed me into this positive mindset. December is becoming such a beautiful month so far and this year I feel more festive than I did last year so I am embracing the holiday spirit. I just pray that this month continues to stay on this path and we can finish the year with all of the love and happiness we deserve.