This one might be all over the place, but that's what anxiety does...
I don’t just go blasting my battles but I created this blog so that I have a safe place to speak on whatever I feel is necessary. I've been struggling you guys, like bad. My anxiety has been in control of my life for a while now and even more so these last few days. It's very difficult to fake not having anxiety, with depression I can put on a smile and push through until I am able to get in the bed or cry it out later. I’m at the point where my body has been so tense from full panic attacks and I just feel extremely tired and so sore. My psychiatrist has prescribed me some heavy-duty emergency panic meds and I’ve had to take them multiple times already in the last few days and I wasn’t exactly okay with that because who wants to rely on meds for their happiness? Do I know my triggers? Somewhat. I am constantly feeling like I am forgetting something, my kids have had appointments damn near every week, plus school, practice, extracurricular activities and not to mention my own appointments. I have become very paranoid when it comes to my kids getting sick because my baby nephew scared us all recently when he got sick, stopped breathing and had to be rushed to the hospital. While my brother and his wife were on the phone with 911 and driving to meet the ambulance, I got the call from my mom and at that point all we knew was that he was not responsive, and my chest immediately got tight and all I could think about was how my brother and sis in law could be feeling, my niece and nephew who were probably so worried about their little brother, my baby nephew and how badly we needed him to be okay, and honestly how our family can’t take anything else happening. I prayed and prayed until I got the call from my brother that baby was okay, I never felt so much relief. That night caused this intense worrying that comes over me when my kids get sick and that has been the story of my life these past few weeks since they have been basically taking turns getting sick every other day. I don’t sleep at night because I want to watch their breathing and I’m constantly checking their temperatures to make sure they don’t get a fever, it’s been a lot and that’s only part of the many things that have been triggering this severe anxiety lately. Another is the fact that this is another Christmas without my grandma and my cousin, another New Year without them and the anniversary of my cousin’s death. Thinking of my cousin makes me think about what happened to him and that causes the same fear and nervousness I felt when we found out he was murdered. I became scared of everything and barely started to get over that a little but now I am right back in that space, I hate everything about leaving the house and I am so terrified of anything bad happening to the people I love and care about. I have been battling my own mind lately and I have no energy for anything or anyone extra. Because my mind has been so damn jam packed and I’ve been basically fighting to get through every single day, I haven’t been able to remember things like I used to, I haven’t been able to cater to people the way I usually would, I’m in a terrible mood all day, I force myself to get out of bed and do the littlest of things and I have been on a high dose of medication just to keep myself from being in a state of panic. Not going to lie, I had a few nights of drinking just to avoid taking the medicine but that isn’t exactly the best way to cope with being anxious. I just feel that I am silently battling something and trying my best to focus on the fact that I know this isn’t forever, I know that I will get through this and all the work I put into my mental health will pay off. I thank my husband and my mom because I don’t have to fake anything with them, they know when I need a little extra love and help and I just appreciate them so much. I tend to kind of fall back from things and people when I am struggling like this but I know that people who truly love me and care enough to actually check on me don’t judge what I am going through, they give me my space, they don’t take my distance personal, they don’t make assumptions about me or question my character and they would know that I am not mentally okay and that it’s not about them, it's a me versus me thing. Right now, this battle within myself is way too important to me to focus on anything else. I am not going to be ashamed that I might have to take medication to help support my mental health journey, I’ll take the breaks I need, I’ll listen to my body and I’ll do what's best for my peace. There is a lot that comes with feeling the way that I feel and writing a blog entry isn’t going to describe it fully but at least it helps to release some of the thoughts in my mind. I’m grateful to have this as a form of escape and I hope it reaches whoever needs to know that they are not alone, anxiety is scary and uncontrollable but it's not going to be this bad forever.
Keep fighting, you are so worth it!
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