April Showers..

I know, it’s been way too long! Between my mental health, planning my daughter's birthday party just to have it completely ruined because of the rain that morning but having the best hubby in the world who had a plan b and made the party turn out better than I even imagined, and deciding to start a DIY home improvement project, it has been a lot! Now that the party and our project is behind us, I find myself in this weird “what’s next” phase. All of that work and now that it’s over I’m kind of starting to FEEL things and I don’t think I like it. I had a therapy session a couple of days ago and she asked me how I was doing and I literally just started crying because I honestly didn’t know how I was doing. I was physically exhausted, my body was sore and that’s all I had to say. Deep down I know that if I had a moment to sit down then some things would come up that I try my best to just ignore, so having therapy that day was not exactly something I was looking forward to. We talked about what I have been trying to avoid, and that’s how painful April is to me and this year in particular. April brings back those heavy grief feelings, it makes me question things that I don’t normally question, like my faith and why bad things happen to good people, it makes me want to close off and stay to myself and at the same time fill my days with so much that my mind doesn’t have a chance to think about anything under the surface. The truth is, there is no ignoring this because April is here and there will never be a year that I forget my baby cousin and my favorite lady’s birthday, there will never be a day that I don’t remember that they are not physically here, or a moment that I don’t think of them. This year was talked about before they died because it’s the big 30 for Vonte and my beautiful grandma’s 70th. This was supposed to be the big party full of lemon cake because that was both of their favorite, music, good food and the one time the entire family made sure to get together to celebrate the two people who I know were the glue to our family staying close. I planned my grandma’s 70th birthday years ago with her being there in her best polka dot outfit, dancing and smiling so big because she would see all her grandkids and great grands all together in one place. And my cousin was simple and all he asked was that we have cake and good food for him and to come with good energy. The two people who deserved so badly to be celebrated and to not be stressing over the last-minute details of their party right now is actually hurting me to my core. I know that I should be thinking of the good times and beautiful memories but this shit hurts and I can’t hide that. There will be lots of tears this month and I have to just accept that. My heart is aching and my mental is a little on the dark, cloudy side so I think that I owe it to myself to respect my feelings, do what I think is necessary and take some time to sit with my emotions. I always hear people say that there is no time frame on grief, and I promise I haven’t heard anything truer. I put a lot of pressure on myself to “move on” but I am learning that there is no moving on, just moving forward with a part of you that is missing and adjusting to a new normal. I’m constantly telling people to be kind and give grace to themselves, I think it’s time to practice what I preach. So, I’ll be allowing the sadness that comes with April, the irritability, the ups and downs and whatever else decides to pop up this month, all while welcoming any positivity, happy moments and any little signs from my cousin and grandma. I hope to be making them both proud and I pray that the see my heart in everything that I do, I know I think of them in every decision that I make and try my best to live life as close to the way they would. I ask for strength through this month, for myself and for my family.  

Happy Birthday to my angels. Devonte (April 15th) and Mariyln (April 26th). Forever and ever in our hearts!