Every once in a while, I notice that I’ve been operating in auto pilot and haven’t really been present. Today is one of those days that I sit back and realize that I’ve pretty much been a robot the last few days. Things have been going smoothly for the most part this week but, once I snap out of whatever “fog” that I’ve been in, I am able to notice what is truly happening. I don’t understand how it happens or what it is called but I’m going to try my best to put this into words. I’ll use this week as an example, things seemed fine, and I felt okay for the most part, pretty much floated through the week. Last night, I showered and went to do my hair and that’s when it hit me that I haven’t combed it out in days. So, when my mental state is bad, I tend to neglect my hair care first and as a girlie with curly hair, going even just a day without combing it is a no no. I usually hide it by keeping it in a “messy bun” which is literally all that I can do to it when it’s that bad. This is something that started when my cousin died, I went 2 months without touching my hair and figured it was part of my grieving, thank God for one of my best friends because she sat for an hour detangling my hair for me with no complaints and no judgement. I thought that would be the only time I let my hair get to such a terrible state, but it's been something that happens more often than I would like. I tend to deny that this is a thing or even make excuses like this week, I’ve been sick so that’s why I haven’t taken the time to comb out my hair but truly it’s more of something that goes hand in hand with my depression/ anxiety. My mind and body do a lot of work to keep me safe from whatever it feels is dangerous, so I guess zoning out and going through the motions of each day is a defense mechanism. I didn’t have any major anxiety this week, but I did do some things that would usually cause severe anxiety, like volunteering at my kids' school and being social with other parents. Now that I think about it, that is probably where this all started. Having to push myself so hard to be “okay” sent me into this auto pilot situation and I’m finally coming back down from that. It’s a scary thing but now that I know it’s something that happens, I will be working on it and going to bring it up in therapy asap! But for now, I’ll be tackling this hair so pray for me ya’ll.
Also, I want to know how you all are doing? What are your triggers? And how do you cope with them? This is a safe place; you are not alone!
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