The holidays are right around the corner and one thing about me is I love everything about getting family together, eating some good food, playing games and just being present and enjoying the moment. My entire life has been full of traditions and constantly being surrounded by family. My cousins and I were raised so close that we were damn near siblings, and I loved that so much. We obviously grew up and had families of our own and kind of went our separate ways but still gathered when it mattered, especially if grandma called for that gathering. My grandma is such a huge part of our lives, we were all raised by our strong mothers, but gram was there as pretty much a second mom. As I became a mother, I watched my kids bond with her (their Gigi) and I could cry just thinking about how happy I am that they could experience her love the way I did. My gram will forever be in the books of the best woman that I’ve ever known.
I remember the day that we found out about her having cancer. I just knew that because she was so strong, such a good person and a God-fearing woman that there was no way she was not going to beat any illness that came her way. As the years went on, my beautiful gram stayed strong, stayed present, stayed prayed up and continued to be as involved in our lives as she always was. In my eyes, my superwoman was going to be fine. We made it through the pandemic, it was tough because we had to stay away for a while just because we didn’t want to compromise her health. We quarantined and would go stay with her just to get some of that grandma loving because being with her was always my safe place. I laugh because when I would get sick ever since I was a kid and all the way up to being in my 30’s I would go to my grandma and just stay in her bed and be a big ass baby, and she would let me! If my kids were sick she would call me and make me go to the grocery store for soup and ginger ale and pretty much harass me to bring them to her so she could take care of them because obviously as their mother, I had no idea what I was doing. If that’s not the best Gigi then I don’t know who is.
If you haven’t realized it already, that lady did not play about her grandkids and especially her great grandkids. She didn’t care who you were and that’s on EVERYTHING that I love.. She wanted the best for us all, and that brings me to my cousin Vonte, he was a victim to a failed system and was arrested and put in jail for years. That was around our gram’s 60th birthday and she was heartbroken to say the least. Fast forward 8 years and my cousin was released and finally home to be with us. He lived with our grandma and was doing so good for himself, we were all so happy he was home and I know gram’s heart was full. My cousin, the life of the party, the family man, our shinning star was only home with us for 4 months. Vonte being a trusting person, tried to reconnect with people from his past and that caused his life to be taken and our hearts never felt a pain so bad. That day changed everything. I’ve never experienced a pain like that before and it broke us all, especially grandma. That day and the days after is when I saw a change in her. Her fight was still there but something was just off and I knew it. 6 months after my cousin passed, my beautiful grandma lost her battle with pancreatic cancer. Last year was by far the hardest year I have ever been through. I never fully grieved the loss of my cousin and have not allowed myself to grieve completely for my grandma. It's all still so fresh and I know holidays will forever be a sad time because we’re missing our Vonte and Gram, but I definitely want to make sure our love and sense of family remain the same. I will continue to be present with my husband and kids, I will make sure they don’t feel any change as far as “holiday spirit”, I will include special memories that we can share about our beautiful angels and there will absolutely be dancing because there was never a time Vonte wasn’t dancing. So, this holiday season I want to be intentional, I want to celebrate with the ones that I love, that make me feel safe, that understand that we’re all just trying to get by, and the ones who will allow me to feel all of the necessary feels that come with this time. If you are reading this and you are having to face the holidays without a loved one, I hope that you give yourself grace, you do what you feel is needed to get through it and do your best to focus on the happy moments no matter how little. Please do not push those sad thoughts and feelings away, feel them and also think of the great times, share the memories and funny moments. I promise you will get through it! I'm here and we can get through it together!
In loving memory of my baby cousin Devonte and my beautiful grandmother Mariyln
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